I wear this grief heavy like a cloak, but not for show. It is an inextricable part of me now. I will not let go because that is my single continuous act of devotion to the one I have lost and all who grieve anywhere for anything lost. I will not leave the dead behind. They have so much to teach me by their absence, and from beyond. And I won’t leave behind anyone living their life in a perpetual state of grief and sorrow. Some wounds just stick. If we abandon grief, we might forget. If we forget, we will no longer be shaped by the thing that was lost or the loss of it.

When you experience loss, it digs a hole in you that feels like it can never be filled. It is an internal wound that will always be at least a little tender. You must tend that wound. It will not remain only sorrow, but you must let grief do its work on you and in you. What once felt like only a hole will become a deep well of compassion – unmistakable to all who are around you from now on. The loss will become one of the most meaningful things that has ever happened to you while also being one of the worst things that has ever happened to you. That is one of the reasons you must hold onto your grief: it is rich with meaning, a mine from which you will unearth treasures – over time and with not a little pain and anguish.

Once the terror of the loss has diminished in intensity, the one who has passed on can become more real to you than when they were physically present. After they are gone from the physical realm, they are with you in Spirit. Their spirit is their essence: everything they were and everything they represented to you. I say “represented” because it is that which is fully them and is also fully beyond them. Their presence in spirit is something you can grow and expand inside you – through practice. Whenever you say their name softly or imagine their laugh or smile, they are lodged deeper and deeper in your being – perfectly – as their essence. When you practice their presence this way, you create a new version of them internally – one you can bring up whenever you need it. They become part of you in a different way than when they were present physically.

The ache you have for their presence is the longing you need to make their spirit a reality you can carry with you always. Desire is the fuel the spirit needs for growth. When you long for what is beyond, you connect with it in a different way – in a way that is more real than when you have it with you. That is spirit.

Photo by Gauravdeep Singh Bansal on Unsplash