Ever wonder why we self-sabotage – why we continually return to our bad behavior or have so much trouble doing what we know is right? On the surface, it seems like there is no reason to purposefully do wrong when we know what is right, yet we continue in our self-destruction. This is apparent in our addictions: we are continually drawn to our “vices” which appear to have little redeeming value and obvious negative consequences: smoking, drinking, overeating, drugs, sexual deviance. Sure, there is a chemical basis for these behaviors that makes them sensually rewarding, but it seems like a lot of times, the attraction is more than that. It seems like we return to these sorts of behaviors simply because we are drawn to “being bad.” And it’s not just true with addiction. All of us, with no good reason, continue to do bad things, seeking them out despite known negative consequences. We can all but destroy our lives to satisfy our attraction to our darkest impulses. It’s as common as going to the bathroom.
Put simply, we all have a dark side. There’s the you people see, and then there is the you that is usually hidden: the side that seeks out and revels in deviance. If you don’t think you have a dark side, good for you. My guess is you will discover it someday. I wouldn’t even recommend you go searching it out. You don’t need to. We tend to discover this part of ourselves naturally. I actually think it is a normal part of being human.
One of the reasons we are drawn to this darkness in ourselves is obvious: there is something in us that wants to entertain this part of ourselves we do not understand. This may be simply because we are trying to surface, explore and make sense of this part of ourselves. We don’t really understand why it’s there and we are definitely not taught how to explore and understand it. On the contrary, we are taught to deny it and keep it under wraps. Yet our dark side goes on existing and many times grows when we try to suppress it. In fact, when we suppress it, we may self-sabotage without even meaning or wanting to. It is important to explore and understand this less than virtuous side of ourselves – not just to subdue it, but so we can know why this part of ourselves is there and what to do with it.
Sometimes we see all of our bad behavior as purely flaw – like there is some kind of malfunction in all of us which causes us to seek out evil and harm ourselves and others. The goal then is to get rid of this condition or mitigate its effects – to “root out evil” so we can be “good.” I would propose a more complex understanding of our penchant for darkness. Maybe we are drawn to this darkness in order to redeem it. Interestingly, we sometimes parade our deviousness for others to see. Many of us don’t even really hide it that well or even purposefully(?) get caught! That risk is worth it to know if we can experience the purest of graces – being accepted fully, even in our darkest moments.
The darkness just won’t let go. It is a powerful force. Perhaps it is not just our own darkness we are seeking to know and redeem. It is a darkness that has been passed to us from those who came before us. Maybe all of humanity shares in this darkness; it just manifests itself in each life in a different way. When you discover it in your own life, you may tend to take it personally, like it is somehow yours, and feel intense shame and guilt about it. Not to say that you are not responsible – just not in the way you are thinking. You didn’t create this darkness and maybe it is not really even yours, though you might be responsible for entertaining and perpetuating it. What you are also responsible for is your work redeeming the little darkness in yourself. One step at a time, one day at a time, one heart at a time, you can start to change the bigger picture. It starts with being loved as you are – with all your glorious faults. When every one is whole, the world will be different.