We all know the right answers. The irony is we just can’t make ourselves believe them. We know what we should do. We just can’t make ourselves do it. We know we shouldn’t overeat, yet we do. We know we should exercise, but we don’t. We know we should feel better about ourselves and have more confidence, but we go on in our self-loathing. We know our fears are irrational, yet we go on heeding them. No matter how hard we try, we cannot change ourselves just by “knowing the right answers:” replacing one set of cognitive beliefs with another. Even when presented with the undeniable truth (to which we logically assent!), it doesn’t change the way we feel. Our experience is different. If we could only take what we know “in our heads” and translate it to what we feel “in our hearts,” we could have real transformation.

We do not change because, though we know the right answers, we have not had experiences that get us there. We came upon our present ways of thinking and feeling through a powerful set of experiences that shaped us. You became fearful because your body naturally protects itself from threat and threat is all around. You started thinking negative thoughts because someone taught you to think that way – about yourself and others. We have all been hurt and disappointed. These powerful formative experiences have burned into us these thoughts and feelings which are so difficult to change. If you are going to change them then, it is going to be through some other powerful set of experiences, not just knowing the right answers. Simple idea I know, but we just can’t seem to make it happen!

There are reasons for that. By just trying to muscle through and change our thoughts under our own power, we actually end up avoiding or denying the experiences we need to have. Think about it – when trying to think differently about yourself, you try to “focus on the positive.” If you have a negative thought about yourself, you quickly correct and tell yourself you should not be having it. That or you just get stuck in the negative thoughts. This is what we usually call “dwelling on the negative.” Neither of these is the experience that needs to take place. You need to be stripped bare with all your darkness and imperfection exposed and be loved perfectly as you are. This is more than just focusing on changing our thoughts.

This is also why, when it comes to change, it is important to be headed toward wholeness and not happiness. Wholeness says we can move toward our deficits and find healing. Happiness requires that we avoid anything unpleasant and negative – we should not be feeling it.

We also don’t pursue real change because we don’t actually believe there are answers to our most pressing, personal and profound questions. Most of our experiences have confirmed our negative, cynical or anxious thoughts and feelings. Maybe we have some inkling there is something different out there, but we don’t know how to pursue it in a straightforward way. Admittedly, it is scary! And we have to know what we’re looking for or be led there. There’s only one way to find out if the truth is out there – to throw ourselves on these experiences that lead us to something different. That is sometimes what we call faith. It is my hope we can together chase after some real and life-changing experiences. Grace, healing and truth are out there.